Don't
by KuroSakura-chan
Summary: Survivor's Guilt is considered a part of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. When Heero looks at Duo, he finds that the definition is flawed.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Shadow Games

By: KuroSakura-chan/KuroSakura (Depends on where you're reading)

Summary: Survivor's Guilt is considered a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When Heero looks at Duo, he thinks the definition is wrong.

Category: Gundam Wing

Genre: Angst,

Couples: 1X2, 3X4

Warnings: Yaoi, Character Death,

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Please, please don't kill me for this.

…

-Duo-

Waking was a difficult process for him. There were shooting pains behind his eyes, which reminded him of when he was first captured during the war. They sure beat the hell out of him then. Now, how did OZ catch him this time? Wait...OZ was gone...The war was over. It had been, for about a two years. He was living with Heero-What the hell happened?

The panic that welled up in his chest forced his eyes open, making him ignore the pain in his skull. And arms, and elsewhere, now that he thought about it. The sudden influx of sight brought all the sounds in the room to sharp focus.

Quatre.

Quatre was screaming.

He was screaming, and bleeding, and there were men on him, _in_ him. Duo couldn't hold back the howl of anger at the sight of his friend lying on the floor, men having their sick, horrifying ways with him. The howl brought a few looks Duo's way, but most of them were disinterested, considering Duo was chained to a wall.

Nevertheless, he pulled at the chains, throwing his words at his captors, his friend's rapists. They simply ignored him, laughing at the futile struggles Duo was putting up. Quatre stopped screaming, simply sobbing. His throat was raw, Duo was sure. There were probably more reasons for it to be raw than simply screaming, but Duo's mind refused to acknowledge that train of thought, much more interested in continuing the attempt at escape and revenge.

When the last man had finished with Quatre and stood, neither Duo nor Quatre were making a sound. Quatre was in far too much pain to do much more than sob, and Duo had been cuffed across the face. He'd stopped screaming, though he still pulled against the chains when he managed to regain the energy expended at earlier attempts of escape. He couldn't pull his eyes away from Quatre's form, however. His mind supplied that it was like a train wreck-It's going to end horribly, but it still needs to be watched. Duo was less than interested in what his mind currently thought. Quatre didn't deserve that; he'd never done wrong. Duo was the one who deserved it, he was the one that survived when Solo died to the sickness, and was the only one to live when the Maxwell Church was destroyed, even though everyone who died was so much better than he-deserved to live more than he.

"All right, let's finish up, shall we?" One of the men said, obviously the leader. He pulled a gun from his waistband. "This is for what you did to our cause. I'm not going to explain my anger, because it'll be wasted on two dead men." He took aim at Quatre, who stared at him blankly. Duo could see that he welcomed any end to the pain. He wished he could've stopped this from happening to someone so pure and good.

Still, Duo didn't think the man would pull the trigger. They never did, after all. The cavalry always arrived just in the nick of time, or someone turned against the boss, or something—The shot tore Duo's mind away from all the movies he'd seen in his lifetime, his violet eyes widening in horror as he stared at the corpse that used to be his friend.

A scream bubbled up from the depths of his soul, black as it was, and tore through his lips, splitting the air. It didn't matter that his throat was already ripped to shreds from his earlier screams, this one was the loudest and longest yet. It was filled with all the pain that Duo could muster, having just watched one of his best friends die, unable to do a thing to save him.

Duo's eyes were sightless save to Quatre, his ears unable to hear anything but all the admonishments from inside of his mind for being unable to save another person he gave a damn about. So even though Heero knelt before him, he couldn't see him, couldn't hear the shouts to stop. His arms being released from the shackles finally woke him up to the world again, along with the fact that he couldn't scream any longer. He collapsed against Heero, sobs racking his body. It wasn't long before darkness claimed him again.

A/N: Please don't kill me! I wrote this up at 2:14 am, but I had gotten the idea from listening to Tokio Hotel's "Don't Jump" while in a van for 8 hours on a trip to Chicago. Yes, it was a long trip. Of course, it was 4 hours there, 4 hours back, so yeah...Anyway, forgive me for some mistakes, I needed to type it before I tried to sleep, because there's no way in hell that my mind every lets me do anything when I have something on it. So, yeah, let me know what you think, ok?

Next chapter:

-Heero-


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Shadow Games

By: KuroSakura-chan/KuroSakura (Depends on where you're reading)

Summary: Survivor's Guilt is considered a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When Heero looks at Duo, he thinks the definition is wrong.

Category: Gundam Wing

Genre: Angst,

Couples: 1X2, 3X4, 5X6

Warnings: Yaoi, Character Death,

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Please, please don't kill me for this.

…

-Heero-

Duo was the only thing on his mind. Duo had watched Quatre get raped and killed. Duo had retreated into his own mind, only eating and sleeping when Heero pestered him to. It was so difficult, watching the one he loved die on the inside.

Of course, Duo wasn't the only one dying. Trowa had come close to biting the bullet-literally-when he'd seen what those bastards had done to Quatre. Wufei had managed to stop him, but it was only a matter of time before Trowa managed to off himself. Wufei and Zechs wouldn't always be able to watch him. Besides, Trowa had been a mercenary and part of a circus. If he wanted to escape and kill himself, then he would.

And though it saddened him to think about his friend killing himself, Heero had other things to focus on. Namely, how to keep Duo from doing the same. There were so many things in Duo's past that the long-haired pilot kept hidden, just piling heavier and heavier on his conscious. Heero couldn't help him with those things, despite his best efforts. It didn't help that Duo would just grin and laugh it off whenever Heero became quiet, trying to think up the best reply that would help Duo. So much pain hidden behind a mischievous smile and flirtatious amethyst eyes.

Heero knew about Solo. He knew that Duo blamed himself for not being able to get the cure to Solo in time, and that the cure probably wasn't real anyway. He knew that he despised himself for watching his friends die of a disease that didn't affect him. Then the church. Maxwell Church. Where Duo took his last name from. The grief and hatred there was invisible to most, but Heero had been with Duo for years. He could see the pain in Duo's eyes whenever the church came up in conversation, and he knew that what he saw could only be the surface of what Duo actually felt. Duo's heart was deep, and the pain was probably deeper, etched as a scar on Duo's soul. The church was Duo's first home; the only home he'd known until after the war, unless one counted DeathScythe.

Heero paced the hallway of the hospital, waiting for Duo's daily physical examination to get over. He was sure that Duo was fine, but the doctors wanted to be sure, since Quatre had been raped. They thought there was the possibility that Duo was as well, though if they hadn't found proof of it yet, there was a likelihood they wouldn't find any. Duo might not be as broken emotionally if he'd been raped as well.

The psychiatrist called it "Survivor's Guilt". It affected people who watched those close to them die, unable to help. Often, the survivor believed that they were the one who was meant to be hurt, not the one they watched die. It affected stronger people, the protective sorts, more often than the weaker people. After all, a protective person is used to being able to protect those important to them. To witness their death and not be able to stop it...Well, that was enough to send them over the edge. It also tended to affect children, mostly when they saw the immediate members of their family die. And if the family member or members died protecting the child, it solidified the thought that the death was the child's fault, caused by something they had done wrong.

Of course, all the psychiatrist had to go on was what Heero could tell her. Duo wouldn't speak to anyone except Heero, and that was only when Duo was on the edge of sleep, mostly unaware of his surroundings. And thus, everything that the psychiatrist told Heero was "mostly speculation as to what was wrong". He couldn't blame her for specifying that it was only speculation. A lot of people get sued over things that they've said, not realizing that if they're wrong and dealing with the wrong person, that that person was likely to take them to court.

One other thing that the psychiatrist had said was that Survivor's Guilt is considered a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She thought that Duo's involvement in the war had something to do with his problems. Heero thought she was wrong. This had started far before the war, back when Duo was a child.

"Mr. Yuy? You can go in now..." One of the nurses approached Heero carefully. He'd attacked one of the doctors that thought he was unable to handle hearing about Duo's condition. Since then, everyone had been very careful about the way they approached him. "Also, Mr. Merquise was wondering if he could visit Mr. Maxwell...?"

Heero nodded brusquely before pushing past the nurse to get to Duo's room. He wouldn't keep Zechs from seeing Duo, since Zechs and Wufei were the only reasons Heero hadn't been thrown out of the hospital and arrested for assaulting a doctor. Of course, the hospital staff must have known this, for Zechs was standing inside the door, waiting for Heero before approaching Duo. That was a good choice, on Zechs' part. For one, no one could ever tell how Duo would react in a situation, especially after he's been scared into shock or something similar. Only Heero had a chance of keeping Duo from overreacting and shooting something, even if Heero was the one that made him promise to shoot anyone unfamiliar. For two, Heero had been overreacting recently, and if he thought that Zechs had been threatening Duo, then he wouldn't have hesitated in eliminating the perceived threat.

There were no words shared between the two former pilots as they walked over to Duo. He'd been given his own room on the basis that there were many people still terrified of a former Gundam pilot and Duo was the most known of the pilots as well as the nature of the crime that had been committed. Strangers had hurt Duo, and thus, the psychiatrist thought that strangers would be viewed as threats and eliminated as such. Heero was quite proud of the psychiatrist's observations. Most people would completely ignore how Duo was hurt and how that might contribute to any problem he caused.

Duo was laying on his left side, his eyes open but unseeing. The emptiness in those violet depths terrified Heero, especially since he didn't know how to get rid of that look. Zechs looked pained to see the usually energetic brunette lying there, unresponsive. It was likely that Duo hadn't even responded to the doctors looking him over.

Zechs watched Duo for a bit longer before turning to Heero. Heero had a hard time tearing his eyes away from Duo to look at Zechs. Seeing Zechs' normally icy blue eyes filled with such pain, Heero winced. "I heard that he was going home tonight." Zechs said softly.

Heero nodded. "They're finally giving up on finding proof that Duo was brutalized like Quatre was..." Heero was proud that his voice didn't crack while his mind pictured what Duo would look like, if he had been brutalized. "How is Trowa?"

"Wufei gave him a spiked tea. He's sleeping at the moment." Zechs glanced over at Duo again. "We both know we won't be able to keep Trowa from...From doing what he's going to do, but what about Duo...?"

Anger welled inside of Heero. That was as close as Zechs and Wufei would come to saying that he wouldn't be able to handle Duo alone. It was also not what they meant at all. They were trying to ask, in a way that wouldn't hurt anyone's pride, if they could help.

Heero shook his head. "He won't. I'll make sure of it."

…

Heero could've killed Une when she called him in. She 'understood the situation' and 'his need to be there for Duo', but still made him go to the Preventer's HQ to pick up some work so he wasn't completely useless.

He'd only agreed because Duo hadn't responded at all when they'd gone home. A little bit of time alone wasn't long enough for Duo to rouse himself from the self-induced stupor and do anything he'd regret. At least, that's what Heero had hoped.

So when he returned home to an empty house, he knew he had made a mistake that would likely cost him everything that mattered to him.

A/N: Give me reviews and I give you the final chapter! Perhaps, if you're quick enough, before I leave for home where I live without the internet, which is in two days.

Chapter 3

-Duo/Heero-


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Don't

By: KuroSakura-chan/KuroSakura (Depends on where you're reading)

Summary: Survivor's Guilt is considered a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When Heero looks at Duo, he thinks the definition is wrong.

Category: Gundam Wing

Genre: Angst,

Couples: 1X2, 3X4, 5X6

Warnings: Yaoi, Character Death,

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Please, please don't kill me for this.

A/N: I feel like an idiot. I was glancing over this and noticed _after_ that it had the title of "Shadow Games on it. I can't believe I hadn't changed that. Anyway, last chapter!

…

-Duo-

Slipping out of the house had been easier than he'd expected. Sure, he'd set up most of it while Heero was working and such, but that didn't mean that Heero hadn't added a few things here and there. In fact, it was something that Duo had been anticipating. When he didn't find anything out of the ordinary, meaning nothing that he didn't put there himself, he couldn't help but wonder if Heero hadn't expected him to try and leave. But that would be stupid of Heero, and if the Perfect Soldier was anything, it wasn't stupid.

Duo shook his head, causing his chestnut hair to spill over his shoulders. He'd taken it down once he'd reached the top of the building, wanting to feel the wind through it. It probably wasn't the best idea, since it would take hours to brush out, but Heero had always liked his hair down. He said it was beautiful.

And he wouldn't ever be brushing it again.

He could still hear the voices of his friends and everyone else, telling him that he was a failure, that it was his fault Solo, Father Maxwell, and the others had died. That Quatre had been raped before being murdered. Even if Trowa hadn't actually said it, Duo knew that the other pilot blamed him for not saving his lover. Duo knew that Wufei and Zechs believed it to, and that even Heero believed it.

How could Heero not believe it? Heero knew everything there was to know about Duo, knew about Solo, about Father Maxwell and the church, everything. There was no way someone as perfect as Heero could ever _not_ blame him for someone so charismatic and necessary to the world as Quatre being stolen away.

No...That wasn't right. Duo frowned, shaking his head again, ignoring the effect it had on his hair. Something about his last thought process didn't seem right. The thoughts made his heart clench in pain, and he wasn't sure that he wasn't dying from that pain.

A strong gust of wind blew, and Duo blinked, looking behind him. He thought he heard Heero calling his name. It was hard to hear, considering the strength of the wind on top of this building. It was the tallest in the city, after all. Even taller than the Preventer's HQ, if that were possible. Security here, too, was sad. He hadn't had to disconnect anything to get in.

Not seeing anyone behind him and thus dismissing the thought that someone had called him, he glanced over the side. It was a long way down. A long way to think about all the people he'd failed in his life.

-Heero-

"Duo!" Heero nearly flew up the stairs, taking more than two at a time. Duo was on the roof of this building. He had to be. Duo had a thing for heights; Heero thought it was because it brought him closer to space. This was the tallest building in the city. One that had recently hired Duo to build a security system for because it had problems with people using it for suicide. The irony was not lost on Heero.

He only hoped that Duo wasn't really going to go through with it. He hoped he got there in time to stop Duo, if Duo really did try to throw himself from the building.

He burst through the door as Duo turned back to the edge. So he'd heard Heero calling after all. Not seeing anything must've made him think that it was merely the wind. "Duo!" Too close for Duo to not hear.

Duo turned, his violet eyes blinking in recognition. "Heero?"

Heero nodded, though his eyes were torn from Duo's by the sight of Duo's hair flying through the wind. He'd always loved Duo's hair, but the sight of it loose now worried him. Why wasn't Duo worried about the tangles that would take at least an hour to brush out? He walked forward, frowning, and reached out to Duo. "Come down from there, please?"

Duo studied his hand for a moment, then shook his head. "Sorry, 'Ro. I can't."

Heero felt all the blood rush from his face. Duo wasn't having a psychotic breakdown or a depressed episode. He was perfectly conscious of the decision he was making. That terrified Heero.

"Please, Duo, don't..."

"'Ro, I love you, ok? But I...I don't deserve to be alive when they're all dead. Even 'Scythe...I even lost 'Scythe." Duo looked down for a moment, pain evident on his face. It was the first breaking of his mask that Heero had seen since he'd been found with Quatre. "Tell Trowa I'm really sorry about Quat, ok?" Duo stepped closer to the edge of the building. Heero had a moment to plan lunging forward and grabbing him before Duo whispered something that made him freeze. After that, it was too late to do more than run to the edge and watch him fall. His hair fanned out behind him, and he looked like a fallen angel. Heero had to turn away before that fallen angel truly fell.

He slipped down, his back to the edge that Duo had stepped off of. Why did those three words always make him freeze? Was it because Duo said them so rarely? He always had this superstition that if he said them, someone would die.

Heero choked out a sob. He didn't even get to return the words. _I love you_.

A/N: Now remember...Don't kill me. Please.


End file.
